Attention, satire!

Don’t worry, I’m doing Bayern!

Gernot Kurz's conclusions

(Bild: Kurz Gernot)

FC Bayern Munich's desperate search for a coach is no longer acceptable. It's time for someone to take a clear stance.

I'll do it. No ifs, no buts. All you have to do is call me.

I wrestled with myself long and hard, weighed up the pros and cons, but in the end my heart and brain said YES. Both say YES to a rumored annual salary of 10 million euros. And let's be honest. It could be my last chance to manage a major international club. After all, I'm approaching 60 and I'm not a soccer coach at all.

So at least I haven't been a coach in the traditional sense. But I have been on the sidelines, so to speak, for decades. Even at the 1978 World Cup final, I would have had the right tactics for Holland's Austrian team boss Ernst Happel in front of the TV, which he would have used to beat Argentina. France wouldn't have lost to Argentina in the last World Cup final with my line-up either. And even in the Austrian Cup final between Sturm Graz and Rapid, I could have told the Rapid coach straight away that he'd better not replace Nikolas Sattlberger with Roman Kerschbaum in the 71st minute. Yes, it's time for my extensive expertise to leave the couch zone.

I'm also far more mentally stable than all the candidates who have so far turned me down. They chicken out because some know-it-all is supposedly constantly talking to them and making them look like idiots. Did these people never actually do normal middle-class jobs before they became star trainers? A huge gap in coaching education.

I can cope with the supposedly difficult Bayern environment. Constant nagging from UIi Hoeneß? I'm happy when I'm spoken to. The pressure from the German media? I like being in the papers. Constant kicks from Bild newspaper columnists? Let them come, I have a column too.

I'm the ideal candidate. If someone does realize after the first training session that I'm completely out of my depth, I won't make things unnecessarily complicated when it comes to terminating my contract.

I've just looked at a very nice apartment for 100,000 euros. One percent severance pay on a ten million salary? Just right. I'll do it!

Kurz's conclusions as a book: readings are taking place today, Wednesday (6 pm in the Walluschnig-Saal Feldkirchen), and on Saturday (10 am in the St. Veit City Library)!